A Very Good Conversation
“What’s been on your mind today?”
Dilated pupils. Expansive gazes.
“Looking for a job.”
“What kind of job?”
“One that I can do.” Shallow emptiness stated.
“What does that mean?” Genuine confusion.
“It means…” pregnant pause. “Something that is worth my time.”
The dog takes precedent to the exercise. Pets forthcoming. Licks from the like.
“What does it mean to be worth your time?” Journalistic.
“Trying to find something to do that is more valuable that what I do currently.”
Mind races—what could possibly be more valuable than raising your daughter, loving your family?
“Why do you think what you do is not valuable?”
“Well, that’s the thing what I do is very valuable, so to find a job that is more valuable is very difficult. Or to find a job that lets me continue to do what I’m doing currently that fits in with my current schedule…”
“I think the problem is the question.”
“‘What’s been on my mind?’”
“No. I think the problem is the question you’re asking yourself in what you want to find as a job. Value is an uncertain term. It is defined by a myriad of things that are and are not quantifiable, in fact, value is most often described in qualitative ways. To apply mathematical sense to ‘value’ is, sometimes, ineffective.”
I offer a suggestion.
“Find a job you care about. Find something to do with your time that fulfills you and look to monetary gain as a secondary goal…do you want to ask me what’s on my mind today?”
“Yes.”
“I made a list at 3 a.m. of all the things that are haunting me…responsibilities.”
“Which ones?”
Big sigh.
“Well, I need to figure out Fox’s hair. Wendy’s braces still haven’t been removed, and I’m worried that we’ve waited too long because of her move to Philly. I need to catch up on our car payments. I was summoned to court for my debt at Target, but I think I can win that—it just requires attention, and I’m not sure if I missed my court date…because I can’t find the paper.”
“Which paper…”
“It’s not important right now. The list is more important. The list continues: Fox needs new shoes; his shoes don’t lace properly, and they’re too small. I have to pay the mortgage, and I’m not sure if I can pay it. Henry needs clothes for practice and cold weather, but that’s been taken care of since 3 a.m.
I also think that I don’t want to work at my job anymore, and also, I think I should become a pool player and writer full time. I’m tired of being responsible. I am not very good at it.”
“That means I definitely need to find a job…I’m not very good at it.”
“I think we need to think more creatively. I think our lives could work out if we didn’t hamstring ourselves with what we ‘should’ be doing.”
Impenetrable silence.
“What else has been on our mind?”
Deep thinking, cogs turning.
“…to not let Fox make the same mistakes I made as a student.”
“Do you want to say more about that?”
“Well…I’m trying to be tough on him about his homework…but my Dad was not tough me on about my homework, at all, so I started to develop bad homework habits by the time I was 12/13 years old, so it took a lot of adjustment for me to be someone who was paying attention in school. But I also know that he’s going to be irritated with me all the time.” Big sigh, big sigh.
Big sigh.
Chooses to ignore the conversation at hand because it’s too obvious and also incredibly boring.
“Are you going to sleep?”
“No, I’m not tired…it just feels a little hypocritical to tell him to do his homework when I was so bad at it as his age. But it would have done me a lot of good to have someone to constantly remind me to do what I needed to do.
What else has been on your mind?”
“Today, I thought of how much I don’t believe in organized religion and that it bothers me that many people believe that Donald is some kind of messiah, especially in the context of the bishop speaking during his inauguration and pleading for mercy. And how he got mad and said she was ‘mean’ and didn’t speak in a ‘compelling’ way, only because she said that she hoped the new administration would show mercy to people that needed empathy and care. I don’t really care about religion, but I care about people. Religion claims to care about people, and people who follow religion claim to care what their religion espouses. And yet, when it comes to something as basic as showing mercy to people who are vulnerable, it seems really simple that if you’re politcally aligned to Donald, it’s not a part of what you believe. And that doesn’t make any sense. I keep thinking about hypocrisy. I keep thinking about how people believe they are represented by him and still somehow think they are also good and loving. They don’t seem to understand the disconnect between who they are and who they support.
…I also spent a bit of time thinking about how cold it is here, and how I don’t like it.”
